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Sun, 26th Jun 2011 | Deankeating | 13,179 Views, 2 Nods.

funny one liner jokes

A Great selection of one liner jokes for your pleasure, let me know the funniest ones! and the worst ones!

One Liner no1
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

One liner no2
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

One liner no3
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

One liner no4
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

One liner no5
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

One Liner no6
"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "

One Liner no7
This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

One Liner No8
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

One Liner No9
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

One Liner no10
The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

one Liner no11
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

One Liner no12
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

One Liner no13
"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

One Liner no14
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

One Liner no15
"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"

One Liner no16
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

One Liner no 17
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

One Liner no 18
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

One Liner no 19
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

One Liner no 20
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

One Liner no 21
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

One Liner no 22
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

One Liner no 23
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

One liner no 24
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

One liner no 25
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

One Liner no 26
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

One Liner no 27
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

One Liner no 28
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

One Liner no 29
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

One Liner no 30
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

One Liner no 31
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

One liner no 32
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

One Liner no 33
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

One Liner no 34
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

One Liner no 35
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

One Liner no 36
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

One Liner no 37
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

One Liner no 38
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

One Liner no 39
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

One Liner no 40
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

One liner no 41
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

One liner no 42
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

One Liner no 43
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

One Liner no 44
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

One liner no 45
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

One liner no 46
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

One Liner no 47
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

One liner no 48
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

One Liner no 49
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

One Liner no 50
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

One Liner no 51
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

One Liner no 52
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin?Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

One Liner no 53
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"


Feel free to add your own one liner jokes here!! let me know the funniest ones!

                


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Sun, 26th Jun 2011
Have you been reading Tim Vine's scripts again? Ha ha
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