Tue, 13th Sep 2011 | MasterSignwriter | 2,980 Views, 7 Nods.


Broken Britain is a term we have all become used to over the last few years and has become a label for every level of criminality, bad education, widespread apathy, benefit dependency and lack of respect that this country has endured.

A damning report released today from a government think tank pointed the finger of blame directly at the wrong doers rather than looking toward political failure.

Geoffrey Tomatoes the Minister of Statistics said today,

'We have looked long and hard into the root cause of these problems and weve come to the conclusion that the people that cause crime, fail in school, cheat the benefit system or are generally unpleasant to be around are basically... 'A bunch of Twats'

Pointing towards photos of last months Riots Mr Tomatoes continued,

'Look at this lot for example, what a bunch of Twats. This isn't a government problem, no amount of political reform is going to change the fact that we have a lot of twats living in this country.'

Mr Tomatoes was reminded that the majority of looters in the riots were under 16, and whether labelling them Twats at such a young age was a responsible thing to do for a Government official.

'Of course not', he retorted,
'You only have to look in any classroom in Britain, the kids causing trouble are always complete twats, then when the parents are asked to come to discuss the matter a right pair of twats turn up. Total and utter twats, the lot of them. You don't have to be over 18 to be a twat, these twats are genetically disposed to being a Twat.'

Mr Tomatoes went on to discuss his plans to combat the countries problem of Twats.

Jobs for Twats.

Understanding that Parents that are Twats will only produce children who are Twats )and usually lots of them, a new education system will be put in place where traditional subjects will be replaced by Twatenomics, where Fast Food operative training and Media Studies will be taught all day long. This way even a total twat will pick up some skills after 10 years of education.

Foreign Twats.

Britains immigration problems will now be met by a simple means test.
If they are a Twat they are not coming in.
Non English speaking Twats will be required to spell the word twat, put purely for the amusement of the immigration officers, they're still not coming in.'

Twat Camp.

A survey will be conducted to find out which County is harbouring the most Twats.
Once this has been agreed the county will be cordoned off and secured under military supervision to be used as a Twat Camp.
For institutionalised Twats that have repeatedly broken the law or spent more than a year out of work will be automatically moved there along with any known twats from other counties.
These twats will be looked after at a basic level by the Taxpayer in the understanding that keeping the countries Twats safely locked away in somewhere like Swansea is something worth paying for.

Religious Twats

Going off the guide lines that only a real Twat would believe in such nonsense and the cause of a lot of trouble, Religious Twats will be automatically moved to Twat Camp and State owned Churches turned into more schools for non Twats

Twat Amnesty

Every UK resident will be required to fill out a questionaire to find out if they are Twats or not.
Realising that most Twats will ignore such a demand, it will be left to neighbours, family members and work colleges to out them for the Twats they are in a Twat Amnesty with a government incentive of £20 per Twat.

Mr Tomatoes concluded by stating that Britain has long been burdened by the weight of complete Twats and relieving the country of them will reduce Crime, Taxes, Bad Schooling and practically everything that usually has a total Twat behind it.

It his dream that one day soon the honest hard working people of this country will be able to go about their day without living in fear of having their life affected by some Twat or another.


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Sat, 17th Sep 2011
£20 per Twat? That would really boost my income, I know quite a lot.
Nod+ (0)
Thu, 15th Sep 2011
I've shared this all over Twatosphere - nice one.
Nod+ (1)
Wed, 14th Sep 2011
I have to say this is a sad but fair reflection on our masses! I am now going to use T.W.A.T as often as possible in my daily workplace where these are commonplace. Thank you MS for highlighting this species of being!!
Nod+ (1)
Wed, 14th Sep 2011
To be, or not to be,That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,or to take arms against a sea of troubled Twats.
Nod+ (1)
Wed, 14th Sep 2011
Simply brilliant! Thank you for brightening up my day.
Nod+ (1)
Wed, 14th Sep 2011
@Talisman. dont worry i heard plans that there will be a grading system before anyone is removed to the Twat Camps.Level 1. Bit of a Twat. Level 2. Right Twat.Level 3.Total Twat. Level 4. Complete Twat. As you have already confessed to being a level 1 Twat you had better buck your ideas up sunshine.
@Col. I was thinking we could just simply call it Twat or Greater Twat.
@RivieraKid, i also believe that Shakespeare once said, 'All the world is a stage on which a lot of the players are right Twats.
Nod+ (0)
Tue, 13th Sep 2011
As David Cameron once said " To many Twits might make a Twat "
Nod+ (1)
Tue, 13th Sep 2011
In your defence Talisman, just because you have a leaning towards the weird and tasteless doesn't make you a Twat. A true Twat doesn't even have the brain to work out whether he is actually a Twat or not. Many people who claim to be Twats are in fact merely just being a bit of a knob, so rest easy in the knowledge that I for one don't regard you as a Twat. Neither do I regard you as anything like mind numbingly normal, quite the contrary I think there are times when you truly give the impression you are verging on being dangerously abnormal, but that doesn't make you a bad person or indeed a Twat.
MS - will we be renaming these counties with an excess of Twatage eg Greater Twatchester, Twatshire, Twattex-by-the-Sea, Twatfolk, Twaterset, the East Riding of Twatshire, Twattingham, Twent, Twatwall etc etc?
Nod+ (1)
Tue, 13th Sep 2011
** This comment may contain language some would find inappropriate **

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